It takes a Fool to remain sane!!


So, for a moment I put myself in Ana’s shoes.

Who’s Anna? You ask. Anna is the voice inside my head; the voice of Anna Steele; Christian Grey’s Anna Steele.

… Romantically though, I’ve never put myself out there, ever. A lifetime of insecurity

– I’m too pale, too skinny, too scruffy, uncoordinated, my long list of faults goes on. So I have always been the one to rebuff any would be admirers…

That is definitely not me. That is a stolen line. Oh! Crap! A few stolen lines from E. L. James’ ‘50 Shades of Grey’; That’s the new book am reading. And I can’t seem to want to get my hands of it. E. L. James, that’s definitely in my long list of definitions of the word writer. Right in there with Jackie Collins, Danielle Steele, Iris Johansen, Sidney Sheldon and many more. For now, I put James at the top of that list. This book is keeping me on my toes. I just finished reading an Iris Johansen, ‘The Perfect Witness’. Not to discredit her or anything. God knows I loved the book. But speaking completely out of the depths of my heart, 50 Shades of Grey… Not overrated. That’s a book you want to grab. Original copies are an expensive buy… won’t lie about that. It’s public knowledge. But we can be creative. Can’t we? Get yourself a copy in E-pub.

So, why am I putting myself in Ana’s shoes right after reading that paragraph? Good question? I have been asking myself the same question for the entire duration I have been working on this piece. For starters, I am not pale. Do I need to take care of my skin? Maybe that, but definitely not pale. Not skinny either. Not scruffy. Not uncoordinated. If anything, I am so coordinated, it scares me sometimes. In fact, so close to being a control freak.

Long list of flaws? Now I get why I would put myself in Ana’s shoes. I have a long list of those. I prefer not to say them loud because it would risk coming out as insecure. A word I really don’t like. I really don’t like the word. Not the feeling of insecurity, not the thought of being called insecure. Not the idea of coming out as insecure. Nada! I just don’t like the word. So I generally avoid pointing out my flaws.

But I have them. I know I have them. In my head tucked away in some dark corner where I crawl into every time someone brings up the insecurity. That word again. The chill it brings though me. The long list that makes me question every aspect of my being. Why am I even thinking about this? But then, I never really understand how my head works. It just works.

What’s the point of all this? Reminding myself that I am not perfect? What is the point if it is only going to hurt. Believe me, there’s a good reason for all of it. It keeps me ticking. Reminding me that I was born of a woman. I am human in every sense of the word. Keeping my insanity at minimal. That’s why I crawl into dark places and think about the things am scared about. Because it keeps me minimally-insane.

In, this day and age, I like to think that we can never be really sane and survive. That little insanity in us… That tiny bit of crazy… that’s what keeps us going. That is what keeps us human. The little self-inflicted mind torture. That is a part of us. That’s why we worry ourselves sick. We stress ourselves out. Because we want to hold on to that part of us that feels. That part that reminds us that we have to get up and move forward. So we think, and we worry and we obsess and we cry. AND WE REMAIN MINIMALLY INSANE.

It takes a fool to remain sane. So don’t fight it. That part that wants to go wild. Go whacko!! It’s only human. EMBRACE IT. 



Wednesday Afternoon

Long days in my world are those days when you sit at work and there is absolutely nothing to do. That’s what I call a typical long day. Today is definitely a long day. I am sitting at my desk watching an undeniably boring hunting show and trying my best not to doze off. But I can’t leave it midway because I have this thing about leaving things incomplete. I don’t know what they call it in Science. I call it a need to complete anything I start. So whether it be a project or a really boring hunting show as long as I have put ,my mind to it, I will finish it. Two days, a week, a month, doesn’t matter how long it takes.

One of the regular clients walks past, taps my shoulder and I can almost swear I heard her talk. If she did, I didn’t hear what she said. But I mumbled something incomprehensible at least to acknowledge her presence. Acknowledgement is I good thing when you are running a service oriented kind of business. Thank you and welcome. Very short words but nevertheless quite heavy.

My kids are fighting. In reality its my nephew and my daughter but I have gotten accustomed to calling them both my kids. It does feel 100 percent accurate when I say it, so I figure its okay to think like that. They fight over the tiniest things. Sometimes its actually fun to watch and listen. When they are not throwing punches, its quite adorable. Battle of words, “Angu!! Achane!!!” (It’s mine! Leave it) That’s my daughter learning to talk. 21 Months and counting. She is a tough one. And her cousin is learning to keep up with her. He fights back now because she is not the tiny little thing she was a year back. Now if she scratches, he scratches back. So little scars are a common sight on both their faces. Her constant Angu(s) (Mine) are met with Sawa tu(s) Na mi sitakupea yangu (Okay! I won’t share mine either). He almost always lets her win. But in that cute baby voice, they always make up somehow. So am not worried when they are screaming at each other because I know it doesn’t last that long.

A few minutes of screaming their hearts out, tiny punches, a few scratches. And they always have the same ending. One cries, the other stops the taunting and walks over. Confused hugs, heartfelt apologies. The beauty of that one minute brings with it the lesson of a life time. Forgiving from the heart brings with it a sense of power. A sense of overcoming and a freeing of the soul. One that only comes with forgiving and really letting go.

But then, we are only human. Forgive and Forget!!! Not really!! Especially not if you are a girl like me. Forgives but never forgets. You can only hurt me so much. I bet you agree. But we try all the same. Maybe a day will come when we can really forget.


Life and everything about it

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